i had to look that up but deeply accurate, definitely. i’m pretty sure its a de la vega family trait, being constantly bombarded by plague of slapstick mishaps like that. they’re not even necessarily clumsy, they’re just magnets for the universe’s sense of comedic timing. usnavi has by now mostly resigned himself to his fate of walking into closed doors or somehow falling over while standing still, but sonny is still young and full of dreams and a deep desire to have like at least a fucking millimeter of coolness instead of just being the knocks-things-over guy. he is so optimistic but his spirit will get worn down eventually.
(”this happens too often,” usnavi tells sonny at the grocery store, as they both apologetically help the assistant to restack the big pyramid-shaped display of toilet rolls that sonny managed to barrel into like a bowling ball and send tumbling all over the aisle.
“i wasn’t anywhere near it this time,” sonny says.
“don’t make me ask them to pull the CCTV tapes,” usnavi says. “you can’t lie to me, i’m your cousin.”
“…it was a symbolic protest by a small business supporter against the imposition of corporate order and monotony in big chain stores?” sonny tries. “i did this for your bodega.”
usnavi sets the last toilet roll on top of the stack and just Looks at sonny.
“fine! i’m just a big gangly disaster and i knocked it over on accident with my dumb lanky arms! is that what you wanted to hear?”
“first step is admitting it,” usnavi says.
“you’re no help. can we just leave? that was so embarrassing.”
“no,” usnavi says. “you need to learn to live with your mistakes, and i need non-bodega food. suck it up.”
”maybe i’ll grow out of it,” sonny says hopefully, trailing behind usnavi as they head for the next aisle. “maybe when i’m not trapped in this ridiculous teenager body i’ll figure out how to like, not walk into everything constantly.”
usnavi says “keep telling yourself that, kid,” looking over his shoulder to throw an annoyingly condescending smirk at sonny, and because he is not looking at where he is going, immediately slams full-on into a big, pyramid-shaped stack of soup cans. they clatter to the floor loudly while usnavi freezes with wide eyes like a startled rabbit.
sonny grabs usnavi by the arm and says “fuck this, just run”, dragging him towards the door as fast as he can. this time, usnavi does not suggest they suck it up and live with their mistakes. funny, that.)
(postscript to that is that they both spend the entire evening feeling absolutely terrible about ditching instead of helping to clean up, since they know how that kinda shit feels as a retail worker. vanessa suggests they go there and knock something over again tomorrow so they can insist on clearing it up themselves and rebalance the scales, and then has to hastily impress on them that no, she’s kidding, that’s a fucking terrible idea, because both of them seem to be genuinely considering it for a moment.)
“I dunno what flavor,” Usnavi says, frowning at the packet of noodles. “It’s all in Korean. I’m guessing from the lil flame logo they’re probably spicy? Sonny just said I’d like ‘em, and I don’t have anything else in.”
“I’ll pass,” Vanessa says. “I’m not hungry for mystery noodles, I’ll wait till Ruben gets back and order takeout.”
“Aite, more for me,” says Usnavi, dumping the packet out into the pan of water. Vanessa kisses him on the cheek and heads back into the living room.
Approximately six minutes later her quiet reading time is interrupted by a full on shriek from the kitchen. Vanessa’s not sure what she expects to find when she runs in there, but Usnavi with his head directly under the faucet, flapping his hands around wildly and making some fascinatingly garbled unhappy noises probably isn’t the worst case scenario, even if he does look somewhat in danger of drowning.
“Jesus, Usnavi,” she says, annoyed and relieved. “From the sound of it I thought you were being murdered.”
“I have been murdered!” he wails, pointing accusingly at the innocuous-looking bowl on the table then sticking his head back under the faucet.
Usnavi emerges from the running water long enough to say “nnyyeeergh”, and then slaps the counter very hard just to emphasise the point. Vanessa passes him the milk. Usnavi takes it and chugs half of it directly from the carton. Some of it escapes down his chin. He’s so gross, why does she like him so goddamn much?
“Your face is the same color as your shirt,” she tells him, in case he wasn’t aware. From the glare he directs at her, he probably already knew. She smiles back at him, angelic.
Usnavi collapses into his chair. The milk seems to have helped, though he still keeps sticking his tongue out and frantically licking at the back of his hand like he’s trying to scrub the taste out.
“I’ve been betrayed,” he whines, wiping his eyes on the hem of his tshirt. “Call Sonny and tell him I’m going to haunt him forever after this kills me. Tell Sonny I am going to come for him and drag him with me to hell, which is where I am right now, because of his terrible homicide noodles.”
Vanessa’s curiosity is peaked. She reaches for the bowl: Usnavi literally shouts “no!” and knocks her arm away.
“They can’t be that bad.”
“Ha!” says Usnavi, shrilly. “Ha!” and then he gestures at himself with wild eyes as if to say, here’s your evidence. He’s literally sweating.
“Since when are Latin people scared of heat?” Vanessa teases, in her best Dani impression.
“This is not latin! Latin is like…actual taste with some hot, this is straight up volcano with a detour past Korea flavor and I died, Vanessa, my tongue melted off and then I died and you’ll be dead too if you eat it.”
“You’re so melodramatic. Your Dominican ass just ain’t used to it. You coulda cleaned floors with my Abuela’s pique criollo, that woman was a menace with a chili pepper.”
Usnavi narrows his reddened eyes at her. “Fine. Go on, then, if you’re so sure. I fuckin’ dare you.”
She narrows her eyes right back. “I don’t have to prove myself to you.”
“Nope, not at all, if you don’t want to,” he says, and gives her an evil grin. His mouth is very pink, like he’s been burned. They stay locked-eyes for a minute, and then Vanessa grabs the bowl.
***
“…What the fuck happened to you guys?” says Ruben when he gets home.
“Usnavi tried to destroy me with noodles,” Vanessa says, with her head against the table. She has the hiccups. “Every time I – hic – shit! Every time that happens its like eating a Fourth of July display. Hic. Aaaagh!”
“I told you,” Usnavi says. He’s sitting on the floor beside the open fridge with his head inside it, as though that will help. “I told you.”
“Hic fu-uuuck me,” Vanessa says. “I don’t know what hurts more, the noodles or the fact that you were right, which one am I meant to be mad at?”
“Split the difference and blame Sonny?” Usnavi suggests.
Vanessa points approvingly at him without lifting her head. “Yes. Love it. I will end him.”
“These noodles?” Ruben asks, picking up the bowl. He holds it up and tilts it so he can observe the contents from various angles, looking about half a second away from going to get his labcoat and a pair of protective goggles, and then he scoops a fairly generous portion onto the fork. Vanessa lifts her head to watch.
“I wouldn’t,” Usnavi warns him. “There’s nothing to save you if you do, we’re out of milk.”
“Is that because you poured it all over yourself? You’ve got—“ Ruben gestures in a little circle all around Usnavi’s face. “Just everywhere, really. And I’m sure they’re not that bad.”
Vanessa laughs, hysterically.
Usnavi wipes futilely at his face and says “your funeral.”
“Wouldn’t be my first,” Ruben says, and takes a mouthful. He chews thoughtfully. Seconds pass. “Oh, wow, fair enough, I can see your point.”
“…That’s it?” Vanessa says. “That’s your reaction?”
“They’re definitely pretty hot,” Ruben says, but nothing on his face betrays the painful truth of that statement apart from a very faint flush.
“Wh- but- no,” she says, uncomprehending, and looks at Usnavi for assistance. Usnavi gets to his feet and examines the bowl of noodles very closely as if he’s expecting them to have been exchanged like a shitty magic trick. Then he squints at Ruben’s face. Ruben blinks mildly at him and takes a second bite.
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